Tuesday, May 29, 2007


okay, it probably goes w/o saying that i got the fecal matter kicked out of me on a somewhat regular basis by kids at school. maybe not always beat up, but taunted, bullied, chased, threatened, scowled at, sabotaged, pantsed, and YES occasionally slammed into lockers - barely making the 5 foot pencil dash can make you quite the "marked man" in the jungles of adolescense. i will say, it made most days quite the adventure and always a suprise.

now, don't let me play the pity card. i'm not necessarily the victim, because all of this was usually provoked by my world class weaponary...a slick, silvery tongue. in fact, after everytime i would be bullied, instead of compassion or empathy, my friends thought i most often got what i deserved and would usually say something like, " Man, you're going to get killed one day"- which now i hear my lady say with some frequency.

the bullys changed from year to year, but some had nice long runs. in fact, about 4 months ago i was at the gym ( yes, i go to the gym!), and one of my old standard bullys snuck up behind me and immediately put me in a headlock. the picture: two grown men involved in a "schoolyard headlock" admist the entrappings of other beefcakes and hollywood hot asses at the 24 hour fitness. this did wonders for someone like me who tries to fool the general gym masses into believing that he actually is somewhat athletic. instead "the adult headlock" revealed that the lockee is in fact the sad and pathetic one and not the "normal average every day gym attendee" that i try fervently to pass myself off as day after day.

within a few seconds my old bully broke the lock. during the headlock i was able to mutli-task and, 1) recoginize His Bullyness after 15 yrs., 2) soil my britches and 3) gasp for what i believed was my last breath of life on this earth. he quickly began rubbing my head and giveing me light buddy shoves. he than started getting REALLY chummy and was catching me up on EVERYTHING that had happened in his life since high schoool. nuggets of interest that he shared with me such as, he had until recently been a large crack addict and spent a considerable amount of time in jail. both of which were not the largest of shocks to me. it was a very strange turn of events in my life. the humorous part of this is that he was sooo happy to see me and REALLY nice, after years of cruel and unusual torment. also that day at the gym he gave me probably 100 brosef-type handshakes and also gave me his cell number to call him sometime. still haven't gotten around to that.