a new era

hey folks,

it's time for a change.

for the 3 people that read this thing,

the BIG WHOOP show has moved here.

hurdle # 1

the future is today - Nov. 4th, 2008

the worst pies in London

HALLOWEEN '08

Sweeney Todd & Mrs. Lovett

30 is the new HELL YEAH!

man-boy turns 3-0!
this past saturday, heidi and the crew threw me a major surprise B-day party for the ability to live to my 30th year on earth.
many loops were created and secrets were upheld to keep all the details from me. i was blown away.

it had all the ingredients that i love:
- friends
- popcorn machine
- family
- hot dog bar
- "the empire strikes back" & "return of the jedi" projected on a huge ball
- cheesecake
- old school guitar hero (to keep things gangsta)
- laughs















getting old sorta blows, but i also feel so damn mature and dignified now. this party helped me to realize that i wear my age really well and that i have the best chums a fella could have.

thanks to heidi, the taylors, jonathan and the popcorn machine guy for making it a swell evening.

(special thanks goes to Edward Thomas III Esq. for the pics)

inventions 1.0

scary untensils

stuffed animals couch

my little stormtrooper

seesaw bench (no longer will you not be able to get acquainted with that other mom at the park)

dumpster bathtub

brick t-shirt (perfect for overhearing conversations w/o getting noticed)

book shelf chair - not so much funny as awesome

week's best weird japanese video

here is a video from a Japanese game show that is set in a library. it's one of the most amazing things i've ever seen (yes, it's a long clip, but it's worth it).

gimme props!

this article
here is a good read on the whole Prop 8 amendment.

the comeback

it has been quite some time since i've posted.

here is an update of my life:

* got skinnier
* got fatter
* got skinny/fattish
* got punched in the face by a nice Armenian man
* had my car broken into and my iPOD stolen
* shunned both chris paul and shawn marion to draft both baron davis & kevin garnett in my fantasy league
* wrote a whole lot
* fell in love with a new TV show
* thoroughly enjoyed Doyer postseason baseball
* was told i might need to wear an eye patch and not for Halloween purposes
* made friends
* lost friends
* saw evolved and inspired CHT art
* went in the ocean wearing only a towel as a sarong
* watched a lot of Stewart & Colbert
* listened to some O'Reilly and Hannity

the final two segway into my being entrenched & fascinated with the same political madness as the rest of the country. this reason is what kept me from THE WHOOP for so long. every time i got on here i just started writing rants and realizing that i was turning into a crazy person. i now feel centered, at ease and ready for a comeback.

this little clip from the genius work of Mr. Charlie Chaplin in the THE GREAT DICTATOR says much more about how i feel currently than i ever could.

jason bourne hates bad disney movies. me too.

GOP Convention = Pyramid Scheme Seminars

now i've only been to a few wacky pyramid scheme seminars in my life, but the convention certainly reminded me of those kinds of events.

it felt like i was watching a WWE match, or a rodeo.

also, when did Republicans become the face for religion? that's the saddest part for me. God doesn't vote, people.

words that seemed prevalent while i watched the CNN coverage:

- yee-ha
- vindictive, feminist 6th grade substitute teachers
- guns
- line-dancing
- Dockers
- moose
- white
- old

oh boy....it's gonna be a LONG two months.

leadership

inspiring.

malvolio

this summer i was privaledged to return to Utah and work with Salt Lake Shakespeare and it's production of 12th NIGHT...or what u will..

many of my closest friends and favorite collaborators from around the country decided to join me on this crazy adventure.

for years i've wanted to try my hand at Malvolio - i've always been intrigued and attracted to the character and how he's written with such interlaced comic + tragic complexities. i thoroughly enjoyed the challenge of playing him and was sad when it ended.

the entire trip and show was a fantastic reunion and a wonderful success - i'm very grateful to everyone who helped to make it a reality.

"I'll ne'er believe a madman till I see his
brains."

watch your step.

i know i've really lagged on my blog responsibilities. please forgive me. heidi has been keeping everything up to date on SUCK YOUR BLOG if you're curious about the UTAH SUMMER THEATRE ADVENTUREPOLOOZA '08.

i promise to have a full recap...soon.

until then here is a little jewel to snack on. in staying w/ the theatre theme, i thought i'd share the following video. some characters are more dangerous to play than others. helen keller, in "the miracle worker", apparently is one of those kinds of roles.

the camby man can

and the summer just keeps getting better.

2007-2008 stats for MARCUS CAMBY:

- 1st in blocked shots (3.6)
- 2nd in rebounds (13.1)
- 70% FT shooter

thank you for being a friend

R.I.P. Estelle. you sure put the "spunk" in "spunky old lady characters".

the b. diddy era

so now that the rubble seems to have cleared for a moment in Clipper Nation, i've had time to assess...

i blame:

1. Falk - for being an egomaniac who was insulted that Brand would make agreements without his consent. who cares. you work for Elton. not the other way around. he can do what he wants.

2. Brand - for being weak and a liar. he was foolish to think that his allegiance to a vile, poisonous agent is more important than being a man of his words and being a person of integrity.

i applaud:

1. Sterling - for finally being aggressive and trusting a basketball mind like Dunleavy in management decisions.

2. Dunleavy - for being frank with the media and calling out Falk/Brand, for sticking up for the few positive strides Sterling is making, and for getting angry, and setting the record straight - instead of being a fraud who only cares about their own career and image (ahem, Elton). you are a dynamite coach. thank you.

3. Baron - for indeed keeping his word & being positive. L.A. is now your town. you've given us a lot of hope. we need you.

lastly, i actually thank Brand, because now our options are limitless and we do not have our hands tied to a mediocre leader. Now B. Diddy is the captain.

p.s. Brand, remember when you played w/ Andre Miller several years ago to awful results? or did Falk conveniently forget to mention that little detail while he force fed you all your thoughts and feelings these past two weeks?

WELCOME HOME BARON. IT'S A NEW ERA.

dancing with the star wars stars

yearbooks

this is Paul Rust. he's one of the funniest guys i know.

why i love basketball so much.

i had this really good friend through all of elementary school. he was 10 years old, and i was 9 years old. he played guitar, i tried to play drums. we spent every day together and we dreamed of being the next Mötley Crüe. we were called STEEL IMAGE, a cover band that would crank out hits from hair metal greats. it was some of my best early memories, figuring out how to play the drums and just having that escape. it was great to have a friend at that time, because i had just lost my dad unexpectedly & life had become pretty scary all of a sudden.

once middle school rolled around, things started to change. he was a year older and so i became less cool to hang out with for some reason ( a year gap can make a big difference in "coolness", i guess).

if he invited me over or we planned to "jam", as we had so many times before, there would always be a new "cooler" random guy that was his age that would show up to assume the bass or vocal duties. this went on for a couple of years.

all these new kids were the ones in school who got drunk before anyone else i knew. they carried condoms in their wallets. they would turn on a porno and act like, "what? all 13 year olds watch pornos. it makes you a man. don't be weird whit". to me it WAS weird. i didn't want to watch a porno, my hormones were different. maybe that year difference in age was a bigger deal than i thought, because at 12 years old i just wanted to kiss emily mack. just a kiss.

i usually made the situation even more awkward when i would hang out with those gentlemen, because i would always find a bogus excuse to get the hell out of there abruptly. whether it was a "sudden sickness" or that "my Mom told me to be back by a certain time", whatever. i just remember high tailing it the moment i saw a glimpse of some grainy picture of a slutbag and her fake boobs on the T.V., or smelt some strange odor that was different from a cigerette as i know it to smell. to tell you the truth, i hung out with these dopes far too long and really only because they were into "music" and girls liked them and they did dangerous and bad stuff. but they treated me like garbage and my friend had become so brainwashed that he didn't really like me anymore anyway - so it made no sense for me to stick around. and the more i hung out with them, the more obvious it became to me that i was viewed as a pest and a tag along. what was sad about it all was i saw my best friend turn into this alien around these new "cool guys". sadly, he never grew out of it, and continues to chase the dream of being "cool" to this day.

to a kid, losing your friend is a pretty big deal. so the only way i could cope w/ losing a dad, and then losing my friend & all the other adolescent stuff i had going on during those years, was like most kids... i would shovel junk food & lots of it, into my mouth space.

then outta nowhere i fatefully made some new friends. i dropped those other ones like a bad habit. these new guys were a group of church friends. they were some of the funniest guys i had ever met. really funny. in fact, they made me laugh so hard that a game was developed where they could make me laugh hard enough, to the point that i would vomit. and that was the main difference b/t this group of friends, everything was done w/ laughter, not "coolness". they actually were nice guys & included me, which made me feel like an equal. were they the "cool kids" in the high school sense? not really. but i soon realized that it didn't matter that much. they were cool to me. they were my friends.

they weren't necessarily into music, but what they were into was sports. specifically basketball. i would end playing 3 -4 times a week. at school, at home, at the church....all the time. i started off not very good at all. well, sooner or later that chubby kid from the beginning of this story shed all of his baby fat and gained a invaluable amount of confidence and self-esteem. and at under 5 foot, i could hold my own on a basketball court.

which leads me to my first introduction to the NBA. i (as well as every other American human) was amazed with Michael Jordan, he was my first favorite player. then it was Danny Ainge (because he was white, scrappy, & a little crazy) & then Muggsy Bogues ( mainly because he's 5'3"), then it was Jason Kidd... and it stayed that way for awhile. Jason was my favorite all-time player growing up for two reasons: 1) he was the underdog and had to earn everything, including being drafted 2nd overall, but being called ASON, because he had no "J"), & 2) because i was in awe of the way he played, i identified with it somehow - the passing, they unselfishness. even at a intimidating - 5'0, i thought i could be the next Jason Kidd... i tried desperately to emulate his style & moves on the schoolyard courts, etc.

then, when i was a sophmore in high school this tall, lanky high school senior, was picked 5th overall by the Minnesota TImberwolves. i immediately thought he was the coolest. not only did he play unlike any big man i had ever seen, but he made me laugh & his intensity was unparalleled. and as much i still held a fondness for JKidd, i never really related with his off the court personality, which i did with KG.

he was the face of the new expansion team in Minnesota, the Wolves had their franchise player. i followed his career through the ups and downs in MInnesota, always hoping he could get to the next level. rooting for him. see that's sometimes the indication of a TRUE NBA junkie, you have a favorite player or team for each category: favorite defensive player, favorite point guard, etc. so for years i held strong to my 2 favorite players: Garnett & Kidd, and my favorite team, the LA Clippers (which is enitrely different story altogether).

while KG was in Minnesota, sports pundits and analysts would create stories & rumors every summer or trading deadline that KG would be traded to a contender or that Kevin McHale and the Wolves would bring in the right pieces to surround KG and get him and the Wolves over the hill. never really happened.

and then in 2005, the Wolves actually got to the Western Conference finals. they lost against Shaq & Kobe's Lakers. it was heart breaking. KG won MVP that year, but w/o a championship to justify it. it was the farthest the franchise had ever been. that summer the Wolves management let all the pieces (Cassell, Sprewell, etc.) unexplicably leave and Minnesota fell all the way to the bottom of the Western Conference heap. from top to bottom in one quick summer.

during the following year's playoffs, TNT ran an interview with hall of fame college coach & all around mentor, John Thompson. he & and KG talked openly about his career. as i watched this interview i saw a player who was allowing America and NBA fans to see something they rarely get to see: honesty, humilty & raw emotion.


now...several years later KG finally has a ring and during last night's post game interviews, The Kid again let it all out. and i think that's why KG is my favorite, he lets all out, no pretense, no mask, no "coolness".

this is from Scoop Jackson's column, and it's in response to a question during the post game press conference. Garnett is asked what it's like to not have the burden of failing to meet personal and public expectations finally behind him:

""You ever go to school," he said, finding the perfect words, "and you had a bully mess with you every day? I know everybody ain't no tough guy here. It's like that bully that you go to school every day [with] and you know when you get out of your mom's or dad's car, you know you're going to see him as soon as you walk through the doors, he's sitting there waiting to pat your pockets and mess with you. Then one day you say, 'This is going to stop today!' You walk in and as soon as the bully pats your pockets you lay his ass out and you see the expression on his face. You're sorta shook because you know what, you just knocked the bully out and you don't know how he's going to come back. The next morning when you come in and he's not there, it's like a sigh of relief. It's like getting rid of the bully. It's like I knocked the bully's ass out! I knocked his ass clean out. That's what it feels like. For all y'all who ain't been bullied, y'all got no idea what I'm talking about. But for y'all who have, you understand my story."

(you can read the entire article here)...

that's why i love basketball. because of guys like Kevin Garnett. i feel like we both have a story of fighting through adversity and trying to always make the decision to go w/ what's important, rather than what's "cool". what's not to like about that?

it's nice to have a mistress in the Celtics, it's helped to soften the eons of loss & pain i've sustained as a Clipper faithful over the years.

game 6

congrats fellas. you earned it the best way possible - with tough as nails defense & good ol' fashioned heart.

rondo & 6 STEALS!!! 40 point defeat. that's a giant statement.

doc & his boys really showed what it means to be a winner. it was a group effort by this gang in green, which bonded behind coach rivers, who borrowed an African word ubuntu (pronounced Ooh-BOON-too) and roughly means "I am, because we are" in English, as the Celtics' unifying team motto.

and now i introduce your 2008 world champion...

BOSTON CELTICS

game 5

to tell you the truth, i don't remember what happend.

oh yeah, the crappy team won.

boo.

game 4

down by 20 with 5:00 minutes left in the 3rd quarter, starting center injures shoulder, starting point guard has a sprained ankle, captain has a sprained knee, the opposing bench features the second winningest coach in NBA history & the league MVP, you're in L.A., the crowd is deafening, the momentum is unsurmountable. that's a lot of odds against you.

but defense still wins ball games. so does determination and fight. doc and tom thibodeaux are yelling and sweating harder than the players...meanwhile "shoulders jackson" sits & defiantly makes no adjusments to the suffocating & tenacious defense. phil has always believed in letting his players play out their struggles instead of implementing coaching schemes, but this time it bit him sqaure in the butt.

one more to go.

here are some really great photos of the backs of my favorite people on the planet right now. sorry heidi, it's true.

before

after

i also thought that this was interesting. it's a quote from Curt Shilling's blog following Game 2 in Boston. he was courtside at the game and had this observation:

"Who doesn’t know Kobe Bryant right? I only know what I have heard, starting awhile back with the entire Shaq debacle. I don’t really have an opinion one way or the other on or about him other than to know that people feel he might be one of the 4-5 greatest players to ever lace it up. What I do know is what I got to see up close and hear, was unexpected. From the first tip until about 4 minutes left in the game I saw and heard this guy bitch at his teammates. Every TO he came to the bench pissed, and a few of them he went to other guys and yelled about something they weren’t doing, or something they did wrong. No dialog about “hey let’s go, let’s get after it” or whatever. He spent the better part of 3.5 quarters pissed off and ranting at the non-execution or lack of, of his team. Then when they made what almost was a historic run in the 4th, during a TO, he got down on the floor and basically said ‘Let’s f’ing go, right now, right here” or something to that affect. I am not making this observation in a good or bad way, I have no idea how the guys in the NBA play or do things like this, but I thought it was a fascinating bit of insight for me to watch someone in another sport who is in the position of a team leader and how he interacted with his team and teammates. Watching the other 11 guys, every time out it was high fives and “Hey nice work, let’s get after it” or something to that affect. He walked off the floor, obligatory skin contact on the high five, and sat on the bench stone faced or pissed off, the whole game. Just weird to see another sport and how it all works. I would assume that’s his style and how he plays and what works for him because when I saw the leader board for scoring in the post season his name sat up top at 31+ a game, can’t argue with that. But as a fan I was watching the whole thing, Kobe, his teammates and then the after effects of conversations. He’d yell at someone, make a point, or send a message, turn and walk away, and more than once the person on the other end would roll eyes or give a ‘whatever dude’ look."

game 3

sucked. i want to choke sasha.

game two

wow. talk about let your defense dictate your offense. as i predicted, Rondo's youth and speed was too much for Ol' Man Fisher. 16 assists is bigtime. p2 is a flat out warrior, and obviously just wants it more than mamba does. oh and...leon powe was a beast. he also used to live in abondoned cars,...so i'd say the NBA Finals is sort of an upgrade for him as far as life goes.

The Attack! sketch show @ UCB

if you missed it or you want to see more, call or write the theatre 323.908.8702 or drew@ucbt.net and tell them to bring us back!

nba finals > game one

BOSTON CELTICS

pierce has redeemed himself and his performance in last night's game was reminiscent of another hometown great, Kirk Gibson.

pierce goes down, looks like a knee sprain (that's sometimes a season ending injury or at least an extended period on the IL). he is carried out. boston fans are silenced.





THEN...outta nowhere, a shot of the tunnel - here come Paul....BOSTON ERUPTS! timeout. out of the timeout and hobbled on one leg - Paul Pierce for 3.....GOOD. next trip down the court - Paul Pierce for another 3....GOOD!



this gives the Cs a large cushion, Doc takes out P2 to avoid further injury. and then the shot of P2 on the exercise bike by the tunnel, encircled by large, robust, New England diehards cheering him on as he pedals. paul is overcome w/ the love, he starts laughing....(something "P Squared" is not caught frequently doing).



CELTICS WIN! CELTICS WIN!

p.s. Posey, keep that lockdown on Mamba going in Game 2.

i love this game

impersonators!

japanese impersonators sing "we are the world".

rue mcclanna-cookie

i kind of have a crush on the the guys at Fatal Farm.

mom

i don't know about everyone elses', because i only have mine.

example was and is strong, kindness shines.

this picture was taken only a month after it all.

so, like the books and the detective series

the evidence still shows she kept us laughing & loving.

trials be damned, she kept it so cool.

and by van we would travel and by soda she'd fuel.

she's a favorite to most, but i'm her #1 fan.

this is a fighter. this is my mom.

i love you.

> whitterby angelou

tv is stupid

dear creators & all involved with the CW's "Gossip Girl",

you and your show are not cool. your recent poster that was plastered all over my fair city was predictable. unfortuantely, given your shallow viewpoints and base taste in entertainment (hence why you have a job on a show on the CW), you probably greenlit this add compaign because you imagined this to be "racy" and "cutting edge". bummer, because most people view it as tacky and foolish. all it was was good ol' fashioned shock value - which is tired and flimsy. shock value is usually the dumb man's version of art. angles, vocabulary and story telling are the thinking man's window to truth and art... try leaning on that instead. i imagine you probably justified the decision to use these posters w/ something like:

"it's not like kids don't hear that kind of language at school. kids talk that way. it's not our fault. we're just depiciting the truth of real life."

the difference is the unabashed glorification of vulgarity masked as art.

the people who created the XFL also thought that show was "edgy" and "fun". desperate housewives still has a large viewership - anyone ever watched a whole episode of that? it'll pull your brain right out of your head, it sucks so hard. bill maher and bill o'reilly still think that they help their respective causes by debasing the other side and it's supporters. so stupid. people still watch the bachelor and the real world - and i have no idea why? actually that's not true - i know why. because people will not stand up. unfortunately we digest whatever is put in front of our faces. and until those who's job it is to decide what to put in front of our faces strive to have more integrity, it'll never change. we are lazy. stop being lazy and trust your true instincts and intuitions - your conscience. that's where truth resides. a person doesn't go to the strip joint because they've thought it through and through and in the end, it makes a lot of sense. no they go because they are lazy and are selfish. if i have to sneak around, lie, and it ends up hurting others, oh well....i'm a man, i need certain things. so stupid.

i certainly believe that art should be a mirror of life and the human condition. and true, sometimes life is ugly, but there is a definite line between telling the truth and glorifying something that is crude and unnecessary - which in 99.9% of cases can contribute to the break down of the human spirit - which is the opposite affect you should be looking to get when creating. my opinion is that art is to help us as people figure out our roles in this planet more fully.

so, grow up Gossip Girl. be responsible. kids watch you. have some dignity. none of us likes growing up and taking on responsibilities, but that's what happens. and when you join the adult world you have one simple decision to make: either you're going to provide a positive example that encourages the younger generations to be leaders and selfless, or you're going to be a cynical and negative force that assists kids in growing up hopeless and damaged.

i hope the money and fame is worth it.

sincerely,

whitby flint hertford

i give

older brother rule # 1 circa 15 years ago -
"it is not cool to like the same music as your younger and more girly siblings."

but the truth is...the girls have always had pretty emaculate taste - i just wouldn't say so. sometimes younger people know more than older people

MATES OF STATE's new track "get better" from the forth coming re-arrange us just makes me feel happy. which is good.

lightbulbs

calvin (sales clerk): umm..lou?
lou (store manager): yeah, calvin?
calvin: uh, while on my smoke break i noticed that part of the sign out front...
lou: what?
calvin: i was saying, that i noticed that the sign out front...
lou: what sign?
calvin: the one in front that says the name of...
lou: yeah yeah, the one that says the name of the store. uh huh, what about it?
calvin: well, it's uh, missing some, there are some lights that are...
lou: what? some of the lights are too bright?
calvin: no, they're not too bright. actually...
lou: is it the picture of the little lightbulb, you think it's ugly?
calvin: no, it's not that the lightbulb...it's not ugly...it's just that the lightbulbS...you know plural...
lou: what? you think i should have spelled the end of BULBS with a "z" instead of an "s"? makes it cooler, maybe?
calvin: no, it's not the letters. i mean, it IS the letters, but not...
lou: i'm sorry calvin, you're taking forever to explain yourself and i have lightbulbs to sell. and so do you. so why don't you get back to work, ok?

math

* for your brains.

the spurs are poo + Van Gundy rules

this guy has got to play big if this is going to be any kind of series.

and Mr. Stoudemire, you better ice the crap out of whatever you've got to ice. i mean it. i hate the spurs.

i will echo heidi's sentiments when i say that one of the best parts of the playoffs has been the addition of Jeff Van Gundy as NBA commentator. although Ginobili is the rightful owner of the nickname "Balki" for obvious reasons, Van Gundy will always be "Old Balki" in my eyes. however, the best JVG moment was of course when he tried to stop Alonzo Mourning from murdering Charles Oakley by jumping on his leg.
hey Clippers, why don't you get this Van Gundy guy and fire Dunleavy, okay? he's kinda the coolest guy i know right now.

business card

last week i was handed a business card from one of the background actors on Ben and Burman. my favorite part is the third prong of his title, "Liasion". does that mean what i think that means? the thing that really frys me is on the back of the card i saw my hopes dashed. i was on the verge of shooting some new headshots and he totally stole my idea for a BACKSHOT.

new things

currently filming the webseries "Ben and Burman".

i play the evil Sherman, king of Hollywood d-bags. here is one of the publicity stills.


also, recently worked on my buddy Marc Clebanoff's new comedy, "Gerald" . i play a Funeral Director who really isn't all that reverent about the whole death aspect of the job.

flashy

"WHOOP gets a make-over" - NY TIMES

"Papa's got a brand new blog" - BALTIMORE SUN

"Someone has too much time on his hands...and with it 'someone' spruced up his goose" - CHINA GAZETTE

ok, ok, i admit it...i've neglected my one and only blog lately. the lady routinely shows a more passionate and valiant effort over at SUCK.

NOT NO MORE.

it was feeling a little dank and dark up in here, so i welcomed Spring in with a little brightening up.

and if you take a look off to your right, you'll notice that you don't have to leave the comfort of your favorite blog to enjoy minutes and minutes of entertainment - you can now view BRAND NEW videos from the geniuses at The Attack! right here, like the Earth Day inspired "THERE WILL BE ALTERNATIVE ENERGY"...enjoy.

finish line

help THE ATTACK win the Youtube Sketchies 2 contest.

voting ends Tue. April 15th at 9pm PST.

go here and click "next video" until you hit ours entitled "An End of an Era".

click the THUMBS UP sign and it will turn green.

supermodels heart athletes

whether it's Giselle and Douche Bag Brady or ANTM winner Eva Pigford dining w/ Giants defensive end Michael Strahan...models love athletes.

however, i'm still really confused why Victoria's Secret Model Adriana Lima would ever want to waste her time w/ the all-time most annoying and frustratng ex-Clippers point guard, Marko Jaric (i mean besides the money - and the fact that this guy gets to make money playing basketball, let alone receiving NBA contracts, is another conversation altogether).


he is a massive doofus. here and here is sufficient proof.

boys will be boys

gayest photo shoot EVER!

the role of the drummer

not to pat myself on tha back, but i am a seasoned "percussionist" and have for years followed the known protocol that a professional of such an occupation should follow.

most people would say the role of the drummer is limited to keeping tempo and making sure the rhythm is dynamic...in other words, compliment what the rest of the group is doing.
but most people forget that you should also:

1) wear makeup

i think the Ultimate Warrior makeup showed my stringent devotion to the letter of the drummer's law (note the very rock n' roll wooden name sign).

2) have one arm having kept all my appendages, i've never been able to acheive this level of awesome, but i did frequently wear tanktops and sport a flawless "wave" hairstyle, while playing A drum and A cymbal.
3) be classically ancient, aka 113 years old
4) have head to toe fur, a unibrow, no upper teeth and only 7 bottom teeth and wear a chain
i couldn't really make these things happen either, but i did play Unskinny Bop at a church talent show with my band STEEL IMAGE. that's gotta be good for something


but nobody maximizes the role of the drummer like the gentleman below.

new tatt

smaller than it was supposed to be.

my mom's probably gonna freak, but it's really special and means something to me.

whaddaya think?

pork chop pizza

hubie

me w/ 1975 ABA championship coach of the Kentucky Colonels, HUBERT JUDE BROWN.

it's sad when a man who just celebrated his 973rd birthday looks more
put together and fresh faced than the bloatted man-boy w/ the bifocals
(note the significant dbl chin as well - in contrast to Hub's tight,
glowy complexion).

wanna make a movie?

island tunes

the grand jay hathaway writes songs about LOST.

"Jumper" review

tell it like it is Sexman.

i heart NY

heids & i on a whim up and went to New York last week. we had a swell time eating, walking, riding, writing, watching, talking, laughing, riding, watching, eating, writing, walking, & riding.

every NY trip i of course always geek out big time and end up spending close to 9 hours in the NBA store on 5th ave... and although i debated purchasing both a very inticing Kevin Garnett CELTICS jersey and a brand new Jason Kidd MAVERICKS jersey, i eventually exhibited restraint and walked away w/ just headbands to add to my beauty of a collection and a swell T-shirt .
we stayed in Brooklyn's Park Slope with our friends Amanda (aka Mando Calrissian, Mandy, Mandingo Tribe, etc.), Jim (aka Broadway's Creighton James), and Mr. Martin (aka Van Buren, Lawrence, Mull, Sheen, Short, Scorsese, etc.).

here are Jim and his little boy Martin in "the study".
also saw The Taylors of Brooklyn and were able to finally meet the legendary Pierson, who happens to be pretty gangsta & cool as ice.
now as far as food goes, we murdered it this trip. heids and i, previously to leaving, had been on a no refined sugar diet for 3 weeks - so naturally we felt entitled to gorge ourselves once we got to the city.

food stops included:

Max Brenner - Chocolate by the Bald Man.
we made a laughable amount of stops here. i'm embarrassed to say the exact number. the inside decor looked as if Willy Wonka had a speak easy. it's a chocolate speciality restaurant and lived up to the hype. their Italian Thick Hot Chocolates are unbelievable (we sampled all 3 flavors: dark, milk and white). i imagine that Max's chocolate recipes are so rare that the ingredients are excavated through some discreet mountain in some Peruvian jungle like the golden idol in Raiders of the Lost Ark. during one of the stops to meet a friend we sampled the Chocolate Soup complete w/ fixings like malt balls, toffee chips and marshmallows. oh, and the Mexican Spicy Hot Chocolate w/ red chili, cinnamon, nutmeg, & pepper - was 100% good too.
the other place we made return visits to was CRIF DOGS (113 St. Marks Pl.) in the East Village.

hot dogs are obviously in no shortage in Manhattan, but in my opinion you'll find no better wieners than at Crif. we went twice and could have gone for every meal. most, if not all of the dogs, are bacon wrapped, which is the best invention of the last 100 years.

heids sampled on those two seperate occasions, the Tsunami (tiny pineapple chunks, green onions, teriyaki sauce) and the second time the Chihuahua (avocados & sour cream). i knocked out the Good Morning the first time (bacon wrapped of course, cheese, fried egg) and the Spicy Redneck the return visit (chili, cole slaw and jalapenos). the Tsunami was amazing as was the Spicy Redneck. i also had the tater tots w/ chili and it was heaven. best part of Crif is that unlike LA favorite Pink's, these dogs were not sloppy or too saucy - they were also a perfect size and not overbearing. perfect.

my sister and brother in law have raved for years about Magnolia Bakery below is their famous banana pudding, which should be included on the official food pyramid it's so freakin' addicting.

we also enjoyed The Eatery (798 Ninth Ave. @ 53rd St.). - the Sweet Potato, Corn and Grilled Pear Empanadas with Salsa Verde blew my face off.

as well as my guilty pleasure, Dallas BBQ - it's a NY chain, but it's cheap and their honey chicken and yellow rice kick Roscoe's chicken & waffles in the pants.

saw some sweet stuff at The Met.

we were lucky to see great plays w/ highlights being: The Seafarer (w/ David Morse & Ciaran Hinds), Steppenwolf's August:Osage County, Tom Stoppard's new work, Rock N' Roll (w/ Brian Cox & Rufus Sewell) and Pinter's The Homecoming (w/ Deadwood's Ian McShane, Michael McKean, Raul Esparza & Eve Best).

our host Jim is currently understudying for three of the male actors in said The Homecoming including one of Heidi's favorite English actors, James Frain. Jim was nice enough to set it up so that Heidi could meet him and then "Mr. Frain" was gracious enough to invite us up to his dressing room to hang out and chat prior to the show. it was a nice moment to see Heidi get to finally meet one of her inspirations and how thrilling it was for her.

the best part of the whole trip was being able to hang out w/ heids care free and laugh w/ her all week long. the city invigorated both of us to get to work and make the hustle happen. thank you NY.

TWINS II

production has begun on the sequel to 1988's TWINS. the working title is STILL TWINS.

don't leave home w/o it

have meat, will travel.

obama-rama

BARAK MADE A NIFTY WEBSITE

the web(site)

The

Attack!

kidz like SPORTS

tree man

a thank you to my hero

job well done.

kids are FAT

kids SAY the darndest things

christmas in january

belated Merry Christmas.

BIZARRE GRACE JONES ON THE PEE-WEE HERMAN SHOW!!!

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kids do the darndest things

Boy Glues Hand to Bed to Avoid School

MEXICO CITY (AP) — A 10-year-old Mexican boy dreaded returning to school after Christmas break so much that he glued his hand to his bed. Sandra Palacios spent nearly two hours Monday morning trying to free her son Diego's hand with water, oil and nail polish remover before calling authorities, police chief Jorge Camacho told The Associated Press from outside the northern city of Monterrey.

"I didn't want to go to school because vacation was so much fun," Reforma newspaper quoted the boy as saying.

Palacios said Diego sneaked into the kitchen in the early morning to get the industrial glue, which he then slathered on his right hand. She didn't hear him get up, but later awoke and found him watching TV with his hand stuck to the bed, she told Mexican newspaper El Universal.

"I don't know why he did it," she told Reforma. "He's a good boy, but mischievous like all kids.'"

Diego's hand was fine, and paramedics managed to unstick him in time for class.

wish i thought of that trick when i was suffering through Mrs. Stromquist's 4th grade class. i would have gladly sacrificed my hand. hell, i would have super-glued my whole face to the bed if it meant i got to stay home from school. she was a royal beeyatch. and that's no lie.

i love that he says that he didn't want to go back to school because "vacation was so much fun". maybe the most correct statement i've ever heard.

mistaken identity

just to avoid anymore confusion and contrary to popular belief...i am not, nor have ever been, any of the following people:

animated bilbo
butch patrick aka "eddie munster"
tyronne "muggsy" bogues cha-ka from "land of the lost"
issac from "children of the corn"zelda rubinstein
although, i will admit that if all those individuals could defeat science & nature and collectively birth a single child, it might look A LOT like me. if in the future that actually ended up happening and my kid turned out like this, i wouldn't be unhappy about it at all. i think he looks TUFF!


and don't forget to check out videos from The Attack!here and vote FUNNY.

ABC @ CPK

below is a cautionary tale:

once upon a time i was re-heaing a slice of leftover California Pizza Kitchen pizza (tandori chicken flavor). while microwaving the said item i noticed during the last few seconds of "cooking" a strange crackling sound. i barely noticed this before the microwave beeped and i removed the slice.

i began to eat this slice of pizza. during one of my many bites i enocuntered something hard - which then turned soft and gooey. i thought to myself, "is this a bit of Indian herbs that i had never noticed in this kind of pizza before?". as i kept chewing i also immediately tasted a heavy mint flavor. at this point i pulled out the piece in my mouth. to my wonderful surprise i quickly gathered that the foreign object (and culprit of earlier "crackling" in microwave) was a piece of mint gum that had been wrapped in it's foil wrapper and placed in my piece of pizza.

before you go to CPK, be warned that you might enocunter someone's ABC gum all up in your Tandori Chicken pizza.

TWENTY AUGHT SEVEN WRAP UP: w/ Whitty Banter & special guest

EPISODE AUGHT SEVEN: snaps up or craps up?

*opening music swells*

BANTER: welcome to the annual presentation of THE WRAP-UP w/ Whitty Banter. i'd like to say that aught sev was for real. total ups and total downs but mainly a swell one. this year i'd like to introduce a special guest who along with yours truly will also give his opinions on fads both cool and those that took lodgings in Hotel Bummer this year. he's your regular BIG WHOOP host, a big round of applause for (reads card) Sqwit Burltoad.

*smattering of studio audience applause*

HERTFORD: uh, Banter? my name is Whit Hertford. not Sqwit Burltoad.

BANTER: peaches.

HERTFORD: what?

BANTER: if i'm gonna have a pie, it's gonna have some peaches in it. i don't care if ya wanna throw a pee-khan in there as well, or some punkin in it too - and i really don't care if it's a holiday or just a Tuesday...if it's pie, it's got LOTS of peaches in it. comprende?

HERTFORD: ?

BANTER: anyway, are you guys ready for a smackdown of fun?

*audience has gone home*

BANTER: oh my golly, calm down you animals. can you believe that audience, Sqwit?

HERTFORD: (punches Banter below the belt)

BANTER: (cough cough) eww, right in the Certs. alright, here are my downright love affairs of TWENTY AUGHT SEVEN:

pages
If I Did It? by OJ Simpson

uhh, you did. certainly not a cliffhanger. and i mean, Kato? sounds like a cartoon chinese dog. and that cartoon chinese dog is a house pooch by day, and a dog party by night.

tunez
Jordin Sparks by Jordin Sparks

debut album? more like greatest hits album, cuz once you get this CD you don't need to buy anything else. you will have this mama on repeat FOR-EVER. at least i do, in my Mini Copper, purple sparkle finish.

pictures
tie: Who's Your Caddy? & Because I Said So.

"Shake it Like a Polaroid Picture" guy in a "white people are square" movie. cuz we are. i don't count though, i'm half Puerto Rican. and may i say, Mandy Moore, although man-like is sooo sassy in this picture and she's chalk full of adult problems and her Mom bugs. the thing is, i do admit that when i watch her, i have a sixth sense that she definitely has halitosis. just a hunch, but i can smell it from the screen. oh, and lest i forget Diane Keaton. why does she insist on wearing her eye exam sunglasses all-the-time? tacky.

NOW I PASS IT ON TO SQWITBY BURLTOAD..... BURLTOAD ?

HERTFORD: thanks Banter, and don't slobber all over the seven layer bean dip in the green room like you normally do.

OK, here are my picks:

books
i don't read as many novels as i'd like to, but KING DORK by Frank Portman is too legit to quit.

music
any old Tom Petty. the new Maritime (see previosu post) is tops. LCD Soundsystem, Of Montreal, any Sondre Lerche, The National & The Arcade Fire's Neon Bible are blazin' good - and check out any ol' Les Baxter or Martin Denny, not necessarily AUGHT SEVEN material but a keeper nonetheless.

films
ALL of my absolute favorite filmmakers managed to hit GIANT homeruns this year in my opinion.

Wes did it spicy Indian style.


Joel & Ethan did it in gruff Western style.


& Tim did it with all sorts of dark gloomy London style...and tons o' blood style.


honorable mentions: lars & the real girl, rescue dawn, the savages, the assassination of jesses james by the coward robert ford, & 3:10 to yuma.

i am sure that i'll be able to add "there will be blood" to the mix.

boob tube
my lady and i are sort of redundant w/ some of these picks, but unequivoically Gervais & Merchant solidified their spot in TV history w/ the completion of Extras. one great show that pioneered a complete genre is one thing, avoiding the sophmore slump is another feat entirely.


i also loved this

these dudes


and w/o a doubt Supporting Actor of the Year

J.B. Smoove as Leon Black on CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM

LET'S ALL MAKE AUGHT EIGHT SOMETHING TO WRITE HOME ABOUT. HAPPY NEW YEAR'S!!!

wacko-aerobics.

great job! great show!

award for craziest, most inventive show on TV right now goes to
TIM & ERIC AWESOME SHOW, GREAT JOB!.

don't believe me. take a look for yourself.....

last of the 20s

november 2nd. The Hertford Twins busted into earth on that day. and now here we are...older.

dland beckoned to us, and we obliged.

A, E, I, O, U

slammed two Dole Whips. proud of that. in fact, we "snacked" quite a bit this time around.




did it up Blue Bayou style. the monte cristo / mint julip combo is royalty.



don't think that we did not double dip on The Tower of Terror, because we did. this little number below is further proof that i most often play the feminine role in our marriage.




but what's a birthday without the presents, am i right? the Taylors on Baylor introduced into our home Warioware:Smooth Moves for the Wii. it's boombastic and features tasks such as...

picking your nose...

and doing squats.


the festivities concluded w/ an evening of Apples to Apples AND Times Up joined by some real gangstas. the Nighty Nite crew was on hand and on the way out the door shot an alien film starring Klyle Arnie Arnoldsen, his future-y gadget and an evil hand chair. pure gold.



actually, the best thing about the celebration year in and year out is getting to share it w/ my little umlaut.

happy birthday to me. bring on 30. i ain't scared.

episode 2007: the littles strike back

finally this year i was able to geek out completely and make my halloween dreams come true. that is one good looking leia. eegads.

Darth Vader in Love

fonzie's rule

you will watch this and think that you are on drugs. i promise.

galactic disaster

staying with the space theme, here is a doosey that gets quite good around 1:40 in.

RIP

what once was,

never will be again.

jock at heart

training camp opens Monday.

while my Clips are banged up, i'll adopt these three for the time being.

fabrice fabrice

no one is better than Fabrice Fabrice. no one.

at the VMAs
part one
part two
part three
part four

Human Giant 24 hr. telethon
part one
part two
part three
part four

top 2 AUTUMN goodies

very excited about both of these babies.

already cheated somewhat though.

i have seen ASSASSINATION and i concur wholeheartedly with the lady's comments here Casey Affleck, Sam Rockwell, Paul Schneider, & Garret Dillahunt are especially awe-inspiring. not to mention the impecible cinematography of Roger Deakins

and i've also heard two great tracks from the new MARITIME cd "Heresy and the Hotel Choir".
check it:

PLAY - guns of navarone
PLAY - for science fiction

of course this is exciting too

i've already picked out my duds for this year

def-eated

this happened.



but, then i saw this...and was forced to give up my crown. good game, sir.

* note: watch as much as you can. there are some real gems throughout.


the fact that he is fielding "requests" like it's KOST FM is really great. i'm tossed between which parts are more highlight worthy - it's either when he burps / barfs in his mouth around 1:37 in or when he takes a much needed rest around 3:33 in.

the buffalo reconciliation

at this point in my living i've realized without a doubt that all grudges are futile. having a lack of love, understanding and forgiveness can be a major hinderance to a person's spiritual growth. also, that excessive criticism and negativity are poisonous. all simple ideas but easily neglected.

i find the buffalo to be one of the most magestic creatures on this earth

without getting in too deep - i have a friend that i recently reconciled with after a long period seperated us. this friend is the buffalo. i finally reunited with him this summer at Yellowstone National Park. His full name is Buffy Buffalo (see following picture). it was a beautiful thing to reconnect with this friend, whom i have not seen for quite some time.



the bond between this animal and what it represents to me has surfaced in my life in various manifestations in the past two weeks. the buffalo symbolizes to me respect, misunderstanding and quiet strength. all things i have had limited true knowledge of until recently.



the Great Sioux Nation believes that the rare White Buffalo is the great symbol of purity of mind, body and spirit, and the unifying of all nations.



being that a somber message is rather new to THE BIG WHOOP and my buffalo speech is suprising, rest assured my admiration for the buffalo does not even begin to come close to this fella's.

sibs

nothing's changed.

i know what you did on your summer vacation

here are some highlights from the Mausser/Hertford/Taylor/Jorgenson excursion

write this off of the "to do" life list.



and this.




i love you family.

za za

my sister coined the term "za za". it's when someone is a little too fancy or showtime in the way they carry themselves day to day. these are the people that usually talk louder than most, use their hands A LOT when they are talking, and most often they start sentences with the preface, "When I'm on Broadway..." - where do these creatures come from? Mars, you say? No, but close. 9.9 times out of 10 these entities are brought to us via the high school musical express. parents, keep your kids FAR AWAY from the high school musical. it's VERY hard to rid your mind and soul of the affects of a high school musical experience- harder than beating a massive drug addiction or weaning your child from tons of promiscuous sex. don't believe me? i think the video below is proof enough. BEWARE THE ZA ZAs!!!!!!!!!!!!!

p.s. please pay close attention to both the foreground and background images - some "talented" hidden gems.

little britain

i kinda can't keep my love for this show contained.

smarts

rememember the commercials that use to have a shot of an egg on a frying pan, "this is your brain"? and then they fry the egg, "this is your brain on drugs."
well, this is what happens when your brain is on a lethal concotion of Beauty & Pageant.

dumbledore

proud to share traits w/ Albus.

You scored as Albus Dumbledore, Strong and powerful you admirably defend your world and your charges against those who would seek to harm them. However sometimes you can fail to do what you must because you care too much to cause suffering. Albus Dumbledore 80% Draco Malfoy 70% Ron Weasley 70% Harry Potter 70% Sirius Black 65% Hermione Granger 65% Severus Snape 60% Ginny Weasley 55% Remus Lupin 50% Lord Voldemort 35% Your Harry Potter Alter Ego Is...? created with QuizFarm.com

dude, where's my dead body?

this pulled up next to me. i drove away fast.

stalker

one afternoon i go to purchase one of my favorite delights here in the Burbank Township, a boba slush, at the Boba Loca.

upon my arrival i see on their sketch and doddle cork board, a drawing of an image that looks vaguely familiar.



i stole it in order to thwart my new stalker, whoever he/she is.

i am babycakes

whitty banter's midterm and coming soon reports!

i preface that whitty banter tends to take his entries rather seriously. i apologize for him and his snobbery ahead of time. just look at the pictures if the words start to make you vomit.

MID TERMS
ah, alas the half way point boys and girls. and in no particular order and with an admittedly unfinished batch of films to see still (because my irish setter, Hank Jr.. has monoploized the viewing in our household this summer, i didn't get out as much as i would have liked - i really would like to set fire to our DVD copy of Gosford Park - Hank is OBSESSED):

PARIS JE T'AIME
these are the types of movies that make college film professors giddy in their tweed blazers. but these are also the types of films that are rare due to their unconventional storytelling. taking the diversity of styles and tones of various directors can be a risky endeavor, but this was the most gratifying viewing experience for me this year - i was enthralled from beginning to end. a small note that nick nolte must have a rotund, divorcee goblin hiding in his throat - those sounds are somethin' else . plus that natalie portman is a delight. like a buncha toffee chips on a non-fat yogurt. yum yum.





ZODIAC
David Fincher is one of the few big Hollywood directors that is consistently appealing in his visual aesthetic film to film and never sells out. now i know that's a douchey description, but the man crafts a swell story and paints a pretty picture - which is most uncommon to be found in the same film. a stellar cast (with great turns from everyone like TOP GUN's Goose, to Roger Rabbit, and Norm "sonofa" Gunderson) litters this little number all with top notch performances - especially from Gyllenhaal, Ruffalo and Downey Jr.. a subtle, dialogue-driven thriller that delivers with scene after scene of gut-wrenching anxiety and tension. i also enjoyed the chracter of San Francisco, he did NOT get a credit. but it's the best work he's done, since Joy Luck Club.



SICKO
the line is drawn in the sand with most people regarding Michael Moore, but i am unafraid to say that NO ONE speaks with such confidence and purpose as a filmmaker. and admist his library of important works, Sicko is evidence that he gets better and better. a window into the U.S. health care system is truthful, humble and strong. if you hate Michael Moore, you hate fat nerds. and that's mean. so stop it. hate dumb people. it's more fun.



HOT FUZZ
my friend Whit said this:
"preach to me until you're blue in the face. i believe British comedy is better crafted, more inventive, and smarter than most American brand comedies. to me the English sensibility brings such impecible timing to comedy which has been exhibated in classics over the years from Monty Python, to Black Adder, to all things Stephen Fry and Hugh Laurie, to recent spins by Stephen Merchant and Ricky Gervais and the fellas at Little Britain, Matt Lucas & David Walliams. now comes the Edgar Wright/Simon Pegg/Nick Frost trifecta, after their smash hit Shaun of the Dead, to join the comedy icon ranks."

WHOA! too much gushing from Mr. Anglophile. i mean, Hot Fuzz IS a bitingly satiric and hugely entertaining take on the buddy cop genre that is pitch perfect and has fun in it's form and execution, thus inviting the audience to sit back and enjoy themselves....but i'm not going to MARRY England! geez.



KNOCKED UP
a hilarious, poignant and refreshing look at the rigors of courtship and child-rearing, with a sometimes raunchy, always "whitty"(misspelt purely out of ego) script that is superbly written, acted, and directed. every performance down the line makes the most of their screen time in the film and even the one line roles seem to find outstanding memorable moments. SPOILER ALERT: at the end the damsel has her "lady section" shown during the birth, for like a second and a half. it was like Mrs. Lippett's biology class - all the "cool" people in the theatre started snickering. yeah, it looked fake. i could tell it was a "lady section puppet". bummer that i recently heard Frank Oz made that actual "lady section puppet" and that they had to cut out it's other scene, because the voice was too much like Fozzie Bear. oh well, maybe it'll be on the DVD.



RATATOUILLE
hey, Pixar computer guys...stop showing off at how good you are at making smart, fun, quality children's films. it's getting annoying. review = done.



HARRY 5 - the order of the phoenix ( are you happy "booksters"?)
the task of having to cram all the amazing nuiances and rich storylines supplied by Rowling's books into a 2 hour movie and make it understandable and engaging, is almost impossible. thankfully the Potter movies are doing a respectable if not great job of doing just that. with even more fantastic characters brought into the Hogwarts world, Phoenix beautifully depicts a world of change and uncertainty for our beloved heroes. Harry begins to accept his role as a leader and realizes his calling as the only one who can defeat the dreaded Lord Voldemort. Alan Rickman, Gary Oldman, Ralph Fiennes, Imelda Staunton, Jason Isaacs, and Michael Gambon are all in top form in Phoenix, keeping you wanting more. my one prob, too much magic. mix it up.



THE LIVES OF OTHERS
...or Das Leben der Anderen - my sweetheart pick and hands down early front runner for the coveted top spot at the end of the year. a complex, heartbreaking film about what all-pervasive spying did to people during life behind the Iron Curtain. the jewel of this film is a remarkably understated performance by Ulrich Mühe. tiny fact: my wife is German. so, there's that.



RESCUE DAWN
a big suprise. Werner Herzog marvelously directs the story of Vietnam POWs and their efforts to survive in this rich and honest window into the human will to live. Dawn felt like a throw back to the 1970s epic dramas such as The Deer Hunter in it's storytelling integrity. Full of beauty and endless amounts of suspense and action, Rescue Dawn refreshingly is void of pointless flash and commercialism. Christian Bale gives one of the few Oscar worthy performances so far this year, but never overshadowing the equally stellar efforts of Steve Zahn (in a remarkable change of pace) and Jeremy Davies.



with that, i turn the time back to WHIT HERTFORD

thank you Banter. i am highly anticipating these 3 films coming in the near future:

The Coen Brother's NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN



Wes Anderson's THE DARJEELING LIMITED



and Christopher Nolan's DARK KNIGHT

SPF 9,000,000

simpsons mania

everything is completely SIMPSONS all the time around here. even my being has turned SIMPSON. i look swell with yellow pigment.

shaving routine

i'm quite particular when it comes to shaving. i've found that basking in various degrees of aromas can assist in lifting the hair follicles. making for a closer, smoother shave.

STEP ONE: smell good things


STEP TWO: smell bad things

airport

romance

here is a photo from the set of Lifetime's, "DESIRE WHILE JOGGING". it's the film version based on my last romance novel of the same name.

placed in Santa Cruz, California in the Spring of 1994, it is the story of a lonely man who can only find solace by running laps at a nearby beach. one fateful day he meets a bearded metal detection specialist while on lap number seventy nine. after contracting a severe whopping cough through vigorous jogging vists to his prince, our hero must either choose being engulfed by floods of passion or he must choose life and the saving methods of Robitussin and VICS Vap-o-Rub. will love conquer?

bullys

okay, it probably goes w/o saying that i got the fecal matter kicked out of me on a somewhat regular basis by kids at school. maybe not always beat up, but taunted, bullied, chased, threatened, scowled at, sabotaged, pantsed, and YES occasionally slammed into lockers - barely making the 5 foot pencil dash can make you quite the "marked man" in the jungles of adolescense. i will say, it made most days quite the adventure and always a suprise.

now, don't let me play the pity card. i'm not necessarily the victim, because all of this was usually provoked by my world class weaponary...a slick, silvery tongue. in fact, after everytime i would be bullied, instead of compassion or empathy, my friends thought i most often got what i deserved and would usually say something like, " Man, you're going to get killed one day"- which now i hear my lady say with some frequency.

the bullys changed from year to year, but some had nice long runs. in fact, about 4 months ago i was at the gym ( yes, i go to the gym!), and one of my old standard bullys snuck up behind me and immediately put me in a headlock. the picture: two grown men involved in a "schoolyard headlock" admist the entrappings of other beefcakes and hollywood hot asses at the 24 hour fitness. this did wonders for someone like me who tries to fool the general gym masses into believing that he actually is somewhat athletic. instead "the adult headlock" revealed that the lockee is in fact the sad and pathetic one and not the "normal average every day gym attendee" that i try fervently to pass myself off as day after day.

within a few seconds my old bully broke the lock. during the headlock i was able to mutli-task and, 1) recoginize His Bullyness after 15 yrs., 2) soil my britches and 3) gasp for what i believed was my last breath of life on this earth. he quickly began rubbing my head and giveing me light buddy shoves. he than started getting REALLY chummy and was catching me up on EVERYTHING that had happened in his life since high schoool. nuggets of interest that he shared with me such as, he had until recently been a large crack addict and spent a considerable amount of time in jail. both of which were not the largest of shocks to me. it was a very strange turn of events in my life. the humorous part of this is that he was sooo happy to see me and REALLY nice, after years of cruel and unusual torment. also that day at the gym he gave me probably 100 brosef-type handshakes and also gave me his cell number to call him sometime. still haven't gotten around to that.

SECOND COMING: A buddy comedy

keep easter alive

i know that it's over, but i just thought i'd share the most boombastic easter egg ever. i call it "UNIVERSE EGG-XTREME"

the yolk tasted like the future.

cheerleaders

cheerleaders are REALLY not as pretty up close.

the one to my right actual dropped a bottom explosion as the picture was being taken. i'm serious. not very lady like.

nice wiener

so if you ever find yourself purchasing a bit of business property but don't want to overspend on unnecessary remodeling, do what the folks at Thai Town Express did, work around it. i mean, why ruin a perfectly good over sized hot dog? keep it. because, i don't know about you, but for me nothing says thai cuisine like a huge wien.

in fact, i've already put this marketing gem to the test. and if i do say so myself, business is BOOMING.

liftoff

i learned to spell & type. the next logical step was a blog.

so...*WELCOME TO MY BLOG*

i have a name. don't make me repeat it, i'm shy. shy like a FOX. i'm excited to begin my adventures here on a computer. this is so new to mankind! that part with the "mankind" phrase, although it includes the root word "man" it makes me feel like less of a man to use the phrase mankind. only the guy who's voice is in the movie previews and ethereal beings may use that phrase. says i.

my BIG news is that i was recently cast in the television sequel to Max Hedroom, about his brother Norris Hedroom. the picture is from this thing called a photo test. it's what the producers say is my "look" for the show. i think it turned out really nice.